People who come to constellations are mostly those who are exhausted from giving to others. They struggle with receiving and with giving to themselves.
Their batteries quickly become depleted. They run on empty. People around them can feel that what they receive from such a person does not nourish them. But we do not want to hurt them, and it feels wrong to refuse. In this way, an entanglement is created — a tangle of energies. A dependency that costs both sides their freedom and power. A vicious cycle.
In constellations, the orders of giving and taking are one of the main pillars of this teaching. Balance in giving and receiving is the key to success, healthy relationships and a sense of well-being.
What does balance in giving and receiving mean?
To understand this, we need to look at the imbalance and its true cause, which is lack.
Most people, even those who have achieved success, have nothing to give from. It is like pouring from an empty glass. You cannot pour from an empty glass. And if you do it anyway, you are giving on credit. And credit has to be repaid.
I give because I do not value myself.
Appreciate me.
In return, give me gratitude.
I give because I do not know how to take care of myself, so I will take care of others.
Be happy.
In return, give me happiness.
Life is so difficult. I need to lighten my own burden, ease my conscience, so I give to others.
Look at how good I am.
In return, take my burden from me.
And we have many such lacks.
The first lack we experience is separation from a parent. We also come into the world with a lack that we inherit from our ancestors, or we carry with us unresolved karmic matters. Recognising what this lack is and taking ourselves seriously is what finally allows us to begin filling ourselves up. With love, where there was no love. With recognition, where it was missing. With work that develops us and ignites our passion.
From such a place within ourselves, we give differently, without expecting anything in return. Giving comes naturally, effortlessly.
I give to you because I value myself.
I am grateful that I can give you something.
I give to you because I know how to take care of myself, and I have enough resources to be able to take care of others.
It brings me happiness.
Life is easy, I do not need to prove anything or earn my worth.
I respect your difficult fate.
And when we need something, we gladly receive it. Because we are now able to recognise our own lack and take responsibility for it. To take care of it.
And this is exactly the balance between giving and receiving. It cannot be explained on the level of a single relationship. But we can try to understand the cause of our personal lack and build such a balance within ourselves.
Systemic constellation work brings a person into contact precisely with this original lack. It allows to recognize the impact this lack has on a person’s life. How much it destroys their life, how it drains everything valuable around them. It makes it possible to experience the emotions and states connected with this lack.
This way we take responsibility for our own lack, now as an individual. Through recognising that it was not possible to be otherwise. Letting go of waiting for the little trough to fill itself, or for others to fill it, is an enormous gift.
And we are not alone in this. On the path towards balance, we experience support.
It is like a new beginning, like waking up from a dream. Often, it is an awakening into a difficult reality, because the illusion disappears that things were not really that bad for me.
But in its place there comes clarity, awareness, and respect for everyone who has been and is part of one’s journey.
And on that basis one can build a stable foundation - a glass that is not leaking.