There has been a lot of talk about narcissism lately. And that is good. For too long, this subject remained invisible and caused a great deal of harm. Now it is surfacing like shit from a clogged toilet, and it stinks.
There have always been many such people around me, more or less narcissistic. I explore this subject through my own experience.
What does this topic look like from the perspective of constellation work?
A narcissist is an exceptionally wounded person, a product of patriarchy, where fathers were strict, controlling or absent, while mothers were submissive and serving. A hidden war between the parents or between a parent and the world took up all the space of motherhood and fatherhood, so that the child was emotionally, and sometimes also physically, completely alone. Children in such homes were so unseen that a healthy ego – you are here, you can be here, you are important, you are capable of many things, we love you – had no chance to develop. Abandonment to the limits of what is possible. Cinderella, waiting to be invited to the ball.
What characterises a narcissist is the emotional maturity of a two-year-old. His needs are the most important and cannot wait. He constantly tests boundaries, checks them, crosses them, evokes pity and draws energy from it. He makes himself out to be helpless. Slowly and quietly, he creates dependencies with others, most often helpful and empathetic people. But only for as long as he has control over the relationship and a real, material benefit.
When he feels threatened, he attacks and does not even notice it. This complete unawareness of his own impact on others is the most characteristic feature. After all, a two-year-old does not know that he is being naughty.
A close relationship with a narcissist is not possible without compromise, without agreeing to be the provider, without paying the price with your own self. Because in such a relationship, there is only one queen. Maintaining the status quo is ensured by strategies that are already well known in today's world: seduction, visions and delusions of grandeur, infallibility, complete innocence, faultlessness, dependency and self-interest. When there is disobedience, the punishment comes in the form of silence and superiority, blaming others for their own mistakes, humiliation, entitlement, provocation, gaslighting, gradual isolation from loved ones and friends, defamation and discrediting.
It is incredible that in every single case, the mechanism is exactly the same. The predictability of a Swiss watch.
But why?
After all, everything in our world is there for a reason and has a deeper meaning. I will try to draw a few conclusions here.
Boundaries – we have two, an external and an internal one. Disturbances of the external boundary in constellation work point to transgressions at the level of perpetrator and victim. Someone broke into the house, violence, rape and murder. Clear enough. The confrontation between the victim and the perpetrator rebuilds the external boundaries in both, restores the flow of love and peace.
And the inner boundary?
Here the matter is more complicated. It touches our soul, our essence, our identity as a being who has the right and the capacity for higher values, to live life in their own way, fully within their potential, to grow. This is where the balance between giving and receiving is created. Here we choose who we are and who we are not, whom we believe and what we believe in. Here dignity and truth are created. That which separates us from others and at the same time connects us to them. Our centre.
And this is the boundary the narcissist is most interested in, because he most often has no contact with it within himself. This is the boundary that protects us from manipulation and gives us the power to fulfil our individual desires. It is what protects us from losing ourselves. We build it through the choices we make in life, our behaviour and the values that guide us. Through seeing and acknowledging our own shadow. When the inner boundary is weak or shifting, it is not easy to maintain a steady direction, to confront others and to choose.
When a narcissist meets someone with a shifting inner boundary, he sees himself reflected in them like in a mirror. He looks for someone who will willingly bend, forgive, sacrifice themselves, help at their own expense. Someone who will give them admiration and inner control over themselves.
What would a person with a weak inner boundary do to avoid confronting their dark side, in order to be the good, innocent and compassionate one? To let someone else be the bad one instead?
The narcissist comes to the rescue. He brings us face to face with the inner boundary, with our own values defended at the price of exclusion, and even punishment for disloyalty.
The narcissist appears where it is time for a change in morality, a complete rebuilding of the way we act, think and respond. The matter is serious, because the price is being the bad one, the stupid one, the crazy one, the abnormal one, the selfish one.
At the same time, this is escape from captivity and standing on your own two feet.
And then a new quality of life enters. Safety, adulthood and responsibility. Freedom. And finally, love for the narcissist and recognition of his place in our life as the most important teacher.
Apparently, the number of narcissists in society is rising.
But what about the number of people who do not know who they are, who do not care what they bring into this world, as long as they can afford to go on a nice holiday?
Isn't that number increasing too?